Look at the picture then answer the questions below.

No.1. How old does the picture look? No.2. How old do the children look? No.3. Could either of these kids be me? The email said...

Hello love, Was going through some stuff from school. Is this you and DC or you and PM? Mwah x

Is it even me? I'll let you decide.

Originally posted on iamjack.vox.com

It would appear I have been neglecting this place again.

I do have my reasons and I do have people in my RSS feed reader so I do still read most of the people I have in my friends list. It's a shame you can't control you links you as their friend as there are a couple I'd tell to fuck off straight away.

Anyway, double posting (here and the other blog) isn't the issue. It takes seconds to blog in two places and at times I've had four blogs on the go for various reasons and when it's just a case of cutting and pasting then hitting submit it's no problem.

The issue is the control.

A year ago I'd have called my LJ my main blog, even if I didn't post in it all that often, it was still my main as I've have it so long now.

This has changed. I no long consider my LJ my main blog.

http://landersuk.blog.co.uk is now my main blog.

I have far more control over who sees what, how pictures get displayed and how the blog itself looks compared to Live Journal. Which is a shame but that's the way it goes.

I did a couple of tests a few weeks ago with searches in google and cuil and the other blog certain comes up better.

It's a shame but there it is.

So, in essence, I've rarely posted in here for the last few months and that's the way it's going to stay.

Feel free to come and read me at the other place. You're more than welcome. You can join up and join my friends list so you can read my private entries if you wish. You don't have to have a blog there to just be a member.

If I don't see you, have fun. As I said, I'll still be reading and commenting from time to time as I've made some good friends and would like to keep in touch.

Until then...

x

I got asked the other day at work why I don't wear my hearing aid as much as I did when I first started.

"Two reasons. Firstly most of the people I work with have got used to be now and seem to compensate for my deafness; they talk a little louder or directly at me so I can see their lips. Secondly I think my hearing is getting worse and the hearing aid isn't doing as much as it should. Either that or it's broke," I answered.

I'm right on all of the above.

People have started compensating. Most of them turn to look at me when they're talking to me and if we're sitting anywhere they'll sit opposite me so I can see them clearly. Even our regular house-keeping (Kevin) altered his seating position and shut the curtains as the sun was obscuring his face the other week. If they can't be sure I can see their lips then they speak a little louder. It all helps.

My hearing aid is actually broken. There are two switches on it. One is a volume wheel but the other is a little special. In position one all the inputs are open and the hearing should be as close to normal as possible. In position two it cuts out background noise. This is useful in bars and clubs as it means the person I look at is the voice I hear the loudest rather than all the noise being at the same level. The downside is that if someone behind me calls me then it's doubtful I'll hear them. The third position is for T-loops in cinemas and/or big shops. A t-loop is a telecoil which bascially means the cinema can broadcast the audio directly to the hearing aid. It's great as long as it's set up correctly - which it rarely is! Position three is totally useless without the loop.

Well position one seems to have stopped working, position two doesn't give me enough of a hearing boost and I rarely go anywhere that would warrant using position three. Already my hearing aid appears semi-redundant.

I have noticed recently that my hearing is actually getting worse and it does worry me quite a lot actually.

When I first got my hearing test results I was told by the consultant that my left ear would go in about five years - at his best guess - my right ear could be anything from ten to twenty. This was two years ago. I think he was wrong. Going from how I feel now I think it'll be sooner.

In fact, I think my left is nearly totally gone and my right ear is nearly at the state my left ear was this time two years ago.

At least Bert and I learnt sign language when we did. I think it's time to take it further though.

I really don't know what is going to be worse. Not being able to hear him anymore or not being able to listen.

Bert got this from his sister. So did I but he blogged it first so I tooked it from him.

Six names you go by
- Rob
- Landers
- Fez
- Paddy
- Badtykes
- Adam (not Ads!)

Three things you are wearing right now
- Socks
- Pantrs
- Joggers

Two things you want very badly at the moment
- Coffee
- Another coffee

Two things you did last night
- Watched a film
- Drank gin.

Three favourite beverages
- Coffee
- Morgans Spiced
- Southern Comfort

Two things you ate today
- Twix
-

Two people you last talked to on the phone
- Phil
- Dad

Two things you are going to do tomorrow
- Sleep
- Wake up

Two things you are not good at
- Keeping in touch
- Playing Darts

So I've been gone for a while and I'm not going to bore with where I've been and why but of the three blog sites I frequent two of them (this is one) had fallen by the way side and if you've genuinely missed me, as I have some of you, then I'm sorry.

Suffice to say I'm back and will being posting as normal.

TTFN! x

Tooked from just about everyone!

1. Put Your iTunes/Ipod/MP3 Player on shuffle

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!

4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

If someone says 'Is this okay?' what do you say?

Kinky

How would you describe yourself?

Just Like A Woman
(Hahahahahahaaaa!)

What do you like in a guy/girl?

Hoodie

How do you feel today?

Days Go By

What is your life’s purpose?

Chocolate Cake

What's your motto?

Some day my prince will come
(BOL!)

What do your friends think of you?

Tears dry on Their Own


What do you think of your parents?

Duel
(Interesting)

What do you think about often?

This Woman's Work

What is 2 + 2?

Our Love Goes Deeper Than This

What do you think of your best friend?

Four to the Floor

What do you think of the person you like?

Somewhere That's Green

What is your life story?

Propane Nightmares

What do you want to be when you grow up?

You Don't Know Me

What do you think of when you see the person you like?

Mandinka

What will you dance to at your wedding?

The Boy With The Thorn In His Side

What will they play at your funeral?
Little Drummer Nemo

What is your hobby/interest?

Hold On

What is your biggest fear?

The Prayer

What is your biggest secret?

Wearing My Rolex

What do you think of your friends?

The Meek Shall Inherit

What will you post this as?

Lithium

From 6am yesterday to 6am today I have sent the following Twitters...

09:25 Mr. Peat died. It's the end of an era.

09:25 I am sad.

10:48 Look! twitpic.com/1eipg I'll never get my bacon sammich!

11:11 @chiselwright Fuck Me Boots Fuck The Weather?

11:19 I got coffee! Halfway to getting a saussie sammic!

11:20 @Smifflette Ain't he a lamb :) How you feeling loveliness?

11:28 I GOT SAUSSIE SAMMICH!!!

11:52 @malakeas Yummy indeed!

12:23 @sminchin1977 Hovering is always fun!

12:25 @dementiajones TMI TMI!!!!!

12:54 @flightblogger It's an act of terrorism nowadays. Personally I think it's just bloody stupid!

13:16 @flightblogger I'm in.

13:51 I've just pulled on of my stitches out.

14:17 Looking at hunky rugbty players for a Man for Monday

14:18 And rugby players!

15:02 Watching Bert get excited about the Amazon event! Very sad.

15:27 @jamescantsleep Are you making the video or using it in something?

15:32 @jamescantsleep No Sunlight by Deathcab for Cutie or Mykonos by Fleet Foxes

15:33 @jamescantsleep Or Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand!

15:34 @sminchin1977 Mmmm Tom....

15:36 @jamescantsleep Abotu 3 years in all. No good stories though... not twitter ones anyway! Ha!

15:42 @jamescantsleep Add Scoobydoofus he's into his music ;)

16:18 Well that's all my stitches gone! Aches a little but mostly fine.

16:53 I think I need to boot some twitter people!

16:57 @sminchin1977 It's a burden but I cope.

17:01 @sminchin1977 And everyone knows it.

17:19 @jamescantsleep Ho yes! Spent most of yesteday singing Frankly Mister Shankly!

17:19 @Smifflette She's right, I wouldn't dare.

17:22 @soyster Oh babe! Hope you feel better soon! x

17:23 @sminchin1977 Well I do now mrs!

17:23 Cuts made. Lets see if it makes a difference.

17:28 Off to WoW for a bit.

18:03 @jamescantsleep Your picture... you look like a moody Ray Quinn.

18:04 It would only eight of the nine stitches had come out. Now the 9th has jump come out. Wth some force. All I tatse is blood.

18:13 We're having a power cut!

18:14 Thank Dorothy for 3G modems and laptop batteries!

18:16 OMFG! My jaw is on fire!

18:17 @malakeas I wish you were in my home! ;)

18:30 @Schofe Tweet away!

18:48 Not overly happy that some of my twits come from Spaz

19:04 @Smifflette Hahahahahahaa! I wish!

19:09 @Schofe No

19:09 @Schofe But if you go to google and do search for the group and add Twitter to it you'll find stuff

19:10 @ScoobyDoofus See I've heard that but no... I use Twitter so I twit. I don't use Tweeter so I don't tweet.

19:18 @dementiajones bluuueeerrgggghhh

19:36 @ajnspencer I need to buy a new outfit don't I?!

19:44 I can't stop singing "I've got a golden ticket" from the original Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

19:50 @Smifflette No?

19:56 @Smifflette Ah!

19:57 @Smifflette What was the story aboot gorgeous?

20:04 @Smifflette My grandpa was stationed in Burma during WW2... I wonder if it's one of his.

20:19 Yay! Power cut over!

20:29 @sminchin1977 TTFN x

22:41 @Smifflette BOL

22:44 @aplusk re: paps; they're assholes

22:57 @jamescantsleep it is this new fangled business called social networking.

23:00 @spaz not a prayer! Wouldn't change it at all... Just makes me laugh.

23:03 Bugger it! Power is still out so off to bed with the DS and/or a book... And candle!

23:05 twitpic.com/1eshs - G'night!

23:06 You just know I'm still going to be about and twitting or blogging for a good few hours yet! Meh!

23:15 @greggrunberg head cheese is great!

23:16 @Smifflette Apparently "someone" set alight to the pole!

23:58 @jamescantsleep freaky

23:59 Cos I've got a golden ticket!

00:08 @dementiajones would flashing your cha cha have ended it sooner?

00:09 Powers back on! At last!!!

00:45 @kendersrule but heating is better.

A million monkeys did this on a million typewriters then it was uploaded by LoudTwitter for me.

From 6am yesterday to 6am today I have sent the following Twitters...

07:08 @malakeas Hiya! X

07:09 Is awake! Enough now Mr. Clock, no more noise and we'll get along just fine!

07:10 Snooooow!!!

07:23 I am the first to drive down my road, all the way to the lights, in the snow!

07:25 @sminchin1977 Barrowman! *shudder*

08:30 @sminchin1977 Oooh, he's all toothy! Too "perfecty american" for me. Needs roughing up a bit.

09:15 Writing the email Juzzzt requested!

10:47 @sminchin1977 Oh yes! Ianto - Hubba hubba! Jack - no no no! :D

10:56 @sminchin1977 Hahahahaaaa! Okay, I'll give you that one! To coin a phrase!

11:56 @Smifflette :( x

11:56 Laughing at the people on Ooobers NKOTBB post!

13:43 Off to make lunch.

16:04 COME ON WALES!

16:18 @malakeas Spaghetti Hoops as it was all that was in the cupboard other than rice pudding!

16:18 @sminchin1977 Oi oi oi!

17:30 Recovering. Fuck you BJ! Fuck you!

18:40 Looking at my arm and trying to remember the last time I spent one day not in some sort of pain.

18:59 @sminchin1977 Here's hoping it's Dame Thora or Dame Beryl's year! Fingers crossed!

00:18 I want a new series of Ideal!

00:18 Psycho Paaaaaaaauuuuuuuulllllll

00:18 Tan-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

00:24 @Smifflette Hahahahahahahaaaa!! Love it!

00:35 @Smifflette Oooh ain't Psycho Paul scrummeh!

00:40 Off to bed! G'night one unall!

01:08 Resistance is futile! Muhahahaha!

A million monkeys did this on a million typewriters then it was uploaded by LoudTwitter for me.

From 6am yesterday to 6am today I have sent the following Twitters...

22:03 Have turned off LoudTwitter as I don't want it blogging for me. Twittering is not blogging!

22:27 Yes, okay, I'll start using Twitter again... if I remember.

22:32 @ajnspencer You'd be much better!

23:09 @ajnspencer You're not wrong! It'd be much better if they reintroduced the live updates to mobiles! Made Twitter worthwhile!

23:09 @smifflette 7o7! ;) x

23:23 @scoobydoofus Yes! Do.

23:32 @smifflette No, I don't think so. Oh well. Maybe she'll see it on our blogs and want to join in!

23:39 @smifflette I'm using BCUK's one... it matches my blog.

23:39 RIght, off to bed. I have work from 8am to 9pm tomorrow! Gah!

23:46 @Smifflette G'night gorgeous x

07:08 @malakeas Hiya! X

07:09 Is awake! Enough now Mr. Clock, no more noise and we'll get along just fine!

07:10 Snooooow!!!

07:23 I am the first to drive down my road, all the way to the lights, in the snow!

07:25 @sminchin1977 Barrowman! *shudder*

08:30 @sminchin1977 Oooh, he's all toothy! Too "perfecty american" for me. Needs roughing up a bit.

09:15 Writing the email Juzzzt requested!

10:47 @sminchin1977 Oh yes! Ianto - Hubba hubba! Jack - no no no! :D

10:56 @sminchin1977 Hahahahaaaa! Okay, I'll give you that one! To coin a phrase!

A million monkeys did this on a million typewriters then it was uploaded by LoudTwitter for me.

I blog from here...

It's been a long time since I've actually been excited about coming into work but this morning I swear I actually had a spring in my step!

The rain is pouring down and the wind is shaking the entire unit but today is still a great day!

I feel safe that I won't get attacked or hurt and the lads are going to have an enjoyable day.

I'm even looking forward to the weekend even though, if you include today, I'm working three long days.

Life us good. I can face anything.

Bring it!

So Lord Bastard and his good lady wife landed at Shannon airport yesterday to be greeted by their dutiful son (me) and his betrothed (Bert).

Lord Bastard actually came though on his shaking his head and muttering about Mama losing her passport and being stuck at border control.

After the usually hello's and welcome to Ireland we headed off to the car. Papa moaned about it being too far away and even when told where the car was parked he still headed off in his own direction, determined to find it without any assistance from us.

Once we were all finally in the car we set off to Galway. Now, father is never very good as a passenger so nearly shit himself when he found out we'd be in the car for an over an hour and a half - serves them right for booking the wrong airport.

We broke the journey up with a visit to the Duggans and then the supermarket and we only actually stopped at home for five minutes then nipped off to Tuam for a curry in our usual restaurant which seems to have had a complete change over a staff with very little English known between them both. After four attempts I finally got my coke rather than him just smiling and saying thank you and every bottle of wine papa asked for seemed to have sold out. He finally found one he liked only for the waiter/owner to come back and offer him the original choice which he'd told us was out of stock!

After a lovely meal we came home, watched "Mirrors". Utterly brilliant film but it has scarred me for life.

We're having the Royal visit today and for the next four days.

Mother and father are jetting in at 4pm and staying until Thursday. Brad is hoovering as I sit and type. I would help but conveniently I've put my back out while putting a desk together doing a shed load of other housework!

I'm actually impressed that my father is visiting again. Didn't think that would happen for a long while. It's nice that he can com here instead of fucking off to Spain, like the usually do, and then tell me they don't have time to come here. In fairness mother comes over quite often.

In other news...

Why would anyone choose Iggy Pop to advertise insurance?

"Get a LIFE. Get Swiftcovered."

The wrinkly is the same age as my mother but looks like my nan, and she's been dead nearly ten years!

The fact that he is running around shirtless, covered in glitter and far too much bronze body make-up (it, quite obviously, isn't fake tan as someone tried to tell me!) makes me want to avoid the company completely!

Right, time to go shower!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

Yes

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?

No.

3. When is the last time you cried?

Thursday

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
With someone else.


5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Right, I want to say yes as I think I saw my grandad sitting on the bed just after he died but the realist in me thinks I was still dreaming or at least trying to get some comfort in some way. In essence, no, I don't.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

Yes

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

Yes

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Ang. Jen always looks like she's having a strop.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's?
T
here are a couple I still talk to, some I've recently got back in touch, some I avoid no matter how much they poke me on facebook and some I never wish to see again.

10. Do you know how to play poker?

Yes

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

I think we came close to it while being medics at anyone of the events at Long Marston Airfield. We took a lot of ProPlus and Lucozade and YeastVite.

12. What's your favorite commercial?

The Carlsberg one where he speaks Irish but is really talking about cake! It's a shame Trolls don't have a sense of humour.

13. What are you allergic to?

Tomatoes and cinnamon. I'm also very slightly allergic to animal hair but there has to to be a lot of it.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?

No but I have done by accident. Quite recently in fact.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Yes

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

The Yankees but only because I hate socks!

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Hahahaaaaa!!!! Ahahahahaaaa!

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Nearly all the time.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
I don't know but I have a feeling it was quite recently as Brad and I are always laughing. Him laughing makes me laugh!


20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?

Yes

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?

How to answer this specific question.

22. Name 5 things you did today?

- Had a poo
- Watched Murder She Wrote
- Played World of Warcraft
- Make a sammich
- This meme.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Yes.

24. What mobile service do you use?
O2 in Ireland. Orange in the UK.

25. Do you like Sushi?

I LOVE IT!

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?

Yes

27. What do you wear to bed?

A smile.

28. Been caught stealing?

Yes.

29. What shoe size do you have?

It very much depends on the material and/or makers of the shoe. On average I'm an 11.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?

I say "Ooh I hate..." when I really mean dislike strongly. I do actually hate two people.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?

They both have good and bad sides.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

One? ONE! I can't choose just one!

33. Favorite Song?

See above.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
Yes.


35. What food do you find disgusting?

Brie and cheese with blue shit in it and Marmite!

36. Do you sing in the shower?

Yes.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?

Yes.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

Yes. If they are true friends I tell them when I see them next and we laugh about it. If they aren't true friends then it doesn't matter.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

Yes.

40. Have you anything else to add to this meme?

Slán.

Dear Lord in Devon Alrighty,

There are only so many times I can listen to "Wind the bobbin up!" before I actually kill someone using the compact disc it's on.

If you could arrange for the stereo to explode within the next five minutes, or maybe even a power cut that lasts until 9pm I'd be very thankful. In fact I'd even be tempted to change my religion and believe in you.

I'll stop being a bumboy, change my way of life and become a vicar. Hang on, if I'm a vicar I'll need to be a fag! Okay so I'll become a nun. I know, I know I'm a man but if you answer my prayer I even make that change for you. It'll not be much of a change will it if we're honest with each other.

So, I look forward to hearing from you soon and assure you of my utmost attention at all times.

Kindest regards.

Her Royal Highness
Landers
The Queen of Blog

So I snoozed the alarm four too many times this morning. Rang work and told them I'd be 30 minutes late. This was no problem.

Until I got to work and found my manager waiting for me... or so I thought.

Oh no, she wasn't waiting for me, she was covering the shift until I got there as there had been more phone calls after mine!

1. I called in late.
2. Chuka called to say he wouldn't be in.
3. Ruaidhrí called in sick.
4. Chris called in sick.

So I was told that from 8am (8.30am as I was late) until 9.30am I'd be in my own... it's gone 10am and I'm still on my own.

As of 5pm the other staff go home... fuck knows what'll happen then!

I think might call in dumb this afternoon.

Another day of working with a complete nobber!

At least I have "Heavens Knows, Mr. Allinson" to watch first! Utterly fantastic film!

I will not tell you what I was searching for to find this.

Such a strange purchase, I may buy two, such great comments!

I am ashamed of the fact that I find him strangely attractive yet his brother ugly talentless gross cunt

I wanted a title that said something about Christmas being over and the new year coming but the new year is still days away and Christmas isn't really over yet. I won't put things like "Happy Holidays!" as I'm not American* and I despise people who use American phrases or sayings just because they think it's makes them cool! It doesn't. Frankly I'm sick of kids saying "zee" when they mean "zed". Speak fucking English child!

And breathe!

Anyhoo...

So our Christmas break started at the Duggans. We stopped there before driving to Dublin to drop off the myriad of animals, the Duggans Christmas gifts and to have a coffee and nice chat before heading to Dublin.

After all that we drove to Dublin at silly o'clock, arriving at bastard o'clock and then trying to sleep in the car but waking at goddamnit o'clock, thatlightistoofuckingbright o'clock, fuckit o'clock, iamcold o'clock finally cunt o'clock. Eventually we were waved through to the car check-in point and as we'd paid the extra to use the executive club we got board first. Considering it supposed to be the biggest car ferry (for car capacity) in the world it didn't actually look all that big. Then I saw it next to one of the other ships and realised that the MV Ulysses was actually quite big!

The Executive Lounge was not as I'd expected. A few months ago we travelled back to the UK and booked the lounge then. This was with StenaLine and not Irish Ferries and was worth every penny. We had great food and drink and MASSIVE comfortable seats. Well this time, with Irish Ferries it was shit. The food was great but when it comes to a full English breakfast neither Brad or I like tomatoes and Brad likes beans but I don't and I like black-pudding but he doesn't so usually, when faced with a menu that states we're getting things we don't like we ask them if we can swap a couple of items and usually they're quite happy to do so. With this menu they wouldn't change it. We could remove items but not replace them. Bastards. So we had our breakfast and a coffee and watched the sun come up through this view...

While trying to relax in the worst seats possible. They were far too close together, the tables were stuck to the floor, the staff weren't the worst but their English made them difficult to understand. I found it VERY difficult to relax, which annoyed me as I'd paid for this and had three or four hours driving to do once we'd got off.

So once docked, we were first off, and roaring along the motorway, trying to stay awake, until we got to Bert's parental home. It was lovely to see them but I was shattered so we didn't stay long so we could get to my parents home and get some sleep, so after tormenting the freakish cat we headed off.

This cat has thumbs. It can text and aim a ranged weapon! So once at my mothers we found she was infested with rats. Okay so it wasn't a infestation, there was only one, and it wasn't a rat.... but it could well have been.

Mother was looking after my aunt and uncles dog while they were spending Christmas in Tunisia. As loveable as the rat is it is still rat and too small to be considered a dog. Even if you cut our cats in half they'd still be bigger than "Amy". Fucking runt!

So we did the rounds, visiting relatives and such like. On christmas eve we popped to see beautiful Cal. Becca, Cal's daughter, turned up with her husband and son so out came the camera. The camera on which Cal had asked me to fix the date. And I did. I swear I did. It was fine. I went through it and made sure it was fine. I have no idea why the date appears as it does. Bugger!

Alfie loves his uncle but can't abide his strange aunty who has a beard!

After the pictures we all headed to church. It was a Christingle Service delivered by the local explorer and climber scouts. Bert and Cal give it their all while Becca, Lee and I spend most of the time in silence... or giggling. At one point an explorer stands up, dressed as an angel and says "We're now going to have a reading from the Gospel according to Barry**. Chapter 17, verse 1 to 20," then she sits down. Anoter one stands up, reads one verse and sits down. This goes on through-out all twenty verses. What made this entirely enjoyable was that every time one of the explorers sits down Aflie said "Thank you!" Loudly. By verse twenty the whole church was roaring and he got his own little round of applause.

Christmas morning arrived.

After opening all our lovely gifts from my parents, one of which I was extremely bloody impressed with even if I may have to up the house insurance, we headed off to Berts home to see all his family before heading back to mine to for Christmas dinner.

After dinner father took up his usual position.

The rest of christmas day was uneventful. Bert was in bed by 10pm as he was full and pissed.

Boxing Day - or St. Stephens Day as it's known here in Ireland - saw us head over to Berts mom*** and dads.

So as Bert beggered about on Elliot's laptop, Elliot and Lucy looked out the window while Alan entertained Louis and Ann took delivery of the baby jesus, the kids played on an X-box 360 sadly Casey had been given a make-up set for Christmas and the only one willing to let her play was me! Bah humbug you miserable lot!

The next morning we were up stupidly earlier and heading off to Wales to grab some more stuff from the bungalow and the off to Pembroke Dock for the ferry to Rosslare. A cabin sleep and four hour drive later we arrived in Gallimh around 11pm-ish only to fall straight into bed as during the drive I'd been called into work.

I was supposed to be working today but unfortunately I have the shits so will not not moving anymore than twenty yards from a toilet.

So there you have our Christmas. I'm sure I've missed out some details but so be it. Some I've missed out on purpose, others I've forgotten. Right, time to do poo again... or rather time to go and piss brown water out of my ass!

P.S. Sorry to anyone who commented before I deleted the original entry.









*I'm also not on "holiday." A holiday to me denotes time away from home either relaxing in the sun, or skiing or... well you get the idea!

**I forget which actual gospel it was

***Yes Juzzy, it's MOM!

Well here we are at Dublin Port waiting to board the Ulysses. Apparently the biggest car and passenger ferry in the world.

Taking this into consideration it's surprising there are only about six cars waiting to get on.

We have booked the executive lounge again so we can stay away from the lower classes. It's just a shame they let the middle classes use these facilities. Well I suppose it's just as well or I'd be in there without Brad.

Right, must dash, we'll be boarding soon.

Sorry to any Irish bloggers out there but I have a feeling you'll agree...

There is something very interesting about the media industry in Ireland. Before that hairy fucking troll jumps on my back all I'm talking about are live TV chat shows, radio programmes and certain Irish newspapers.

The TV shows, the live chat shows, are essentially shit. They are either presented as though it's the 1930's and women are just coming out of suffrage or they try to be the most up-to-date modernistic show ever. Sadly, there is no in-between. The presenters themselves are also shit.

As a recent afternoon show (think Pebble Mill at One but without the stunning set or cosy jumpers) started the following conversation took place.

"Hello and welcome. As 2007 draws to a close..." he starts.
"2008 Patrick, 2008!" she interrupts.
"What? Is it? Yes, of course it is. Sorry. As 2008 draws to a close we look at the year gone by and the highs and lows. Shona you've had a good year haven't you?"
"What?" she replies.
"Your year has been good hasn't it?"
"Patrick, mammy died in February, my husband walked out on me, I had that stroke which kept me off the show without pay for two months and last week I found out they're not renewing my contract next year, so no, my year has not been good!" she tells him.
"That's lovely," says Patrick with a very sincere smile then turns to the wrong camera, "and we'll here more about your year (the viewer) later on in the show."

I shit you not!

The breakfast television show is no better. Ireland AM!

"I think everyone agrees he was one of the worlds greatest film directors," says the female presenter about Stanley Kubrick.
"I don't!" says one of the two males.
"Well you're the only one," she laughs.
"No, I thought he was bollocks!" says the other male.
"There you go, he agrees with me," she says.
"No, I meant he was shit. I never understood his stuff."

And yes, they do say shit on the telly in the morning. And fuck, although most of the time it's feck.

I don't think I'll start on Fair City. Irelands answer to Dallas but with less shoulders pads and more Guinness. I'd like to talk about the actors in it but there aren't any. It's just wooden people talking utter shite! It's not live (which kinda makes it worse in my book as they have the chance to shout "no, you're shit, do it again!" but don't!) so I'm not going to talk about it.

And just to make things worse, at 6pm on RTE1 you get the Angelus!

Radio shows aren't that much better.

I listen to one called Newstalk mostly as I like the chatter and they fuck up more than most, other than Galway Bay FM. I've also become a minor celebrity by texting in quite often. They now call me on occasion to go on air and discuss topics such as the health system, abortion, raising children, gay issues and the best flavour of tampon to buy.

The Breakfast show with Ger Gilroy and Clare Somethingorother is okayish but sadly they have some fella to do the business news and he's rubbish.

"So Brendan, how are stocks doing?" they ask.
"Some are up, some are down. If you're think of buying I'd stay away from Pan Am shares, they don't look too hot but Woolies is a go-er!"

Galway Bay FM is a must at 9am, 1pm and 5pm as they have the death notices. This is where they inform the listeners who has kicked the bucket and where you can buy tickets to view the body. It comes on straight after the news.

"Mary Bejesus of Ballyfuckit, reposing at The Holy Chapel of Sister Sledge, LoughFecker from 4pm. Removal to Our Lady of the Wet Dream, Killcunty at 7pm. Mass for Mary Bejesus at 12pm, burial in the Sister Swing Out Cemetery after."

They do that for every death. And then... at the end...

"Galway Bay FM would like to sympathise with all the friends and relatives of the recently deceased." Insert a shot pause for breath, a quick play of some bells and then the mono-toned crone continues... "and now the Dooleys!" You can actually hear the needle go down on the scratched copy of Wanted and some rancid "engineer" coughing in the background. Sadly, I know what's it like, I worked in local radio and I've been that engineer wishing to God someone would finally answer my CV's and begging letters!

i102-104 is a relatively new station and is the Galaxy of Ireland. It's very hip and and the say fuck like they mean it but still appreciating that's it naughty. The only problem, for us foreigners, is that they present the shows in Irish and English.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah Galway Harriers blah blah blah. Blah blah blah in the Tescos on the Headford Road!" and then they all start laughing. The music is good though.

So, the newspapers are very different over here as well. Obviously we get The Sun but it's called The Irish Sun and is basically the same paper with an added word and the odd changed story. Now I'd guess that as they are run by the UK edition they are too scared to do what all the other papers do... the real Irish papers. Censorship is strange over here. There aren't many shops that stock jazzmags and Playboy was banned until 1995 but if someone gets shot or axed in the head then that's a different matter. Our front pages show not only the car the man was shot in but the man himself with the bullet through his head. The TV news is the same only they usually a little slower so all you get is the cameraman showing you a trail of blood and some reporter pointing and going "Oooooh!"

I'm very tempted to record everything I see and hear as I think I'd make a fortune playing it to media studies students and pointing out that this is not not to do it.

It is 2.20am.

The night supervisor comes and says hello and checks BJ is sleeping soundly. Which he is. He's snoring away.

She leaves and that's it until 6.30am. All the chores are done so I have noting to do other than fold the washing when it comes out the dryer. That wont' be ready until around 3am ish.

I remember a website a friend told me about that has TV programmers and films all available to watch either by streaming them from the site of by downloading them. This seems good as I don't want to play any more WoW as I'm getting a little bored with it... dangerous when that happens as I'll not play for a year but keep pays the subs!

So I decide to watch something by streaming it through the 3G broadband modem. I don't want to watch anything just out at the cinema as the quality will be crap and I'd rather actually go to the cinema with Bert and see a new release.

I trawl the list of films and instantly one springs out shouting at me to be watched. Vertigo

It's been ages since I've seen it but I love it so the decision is made.

Now, BJ is asleep in his room, the lights in his apartment are off and I'm in the day centre. I've turned all the lights off in day centre and I'm sat in the office with my recently made coffee.

The office lights are off but the door is open so I can hear BJ in case there is a problem. If only I wasn't so deaf.

I click play and the office gets even darker as the screen goes black. The only light is coming from one word and three dots in the top corner of the screen.

Buffering . . .

A few minutes later the Universal sign logo appears which fades into the marvellously hypnotic black and white eyes of Kim Novak. The music starts and I'm instantly transported to a time when I'm 14 and watching this for the first time with some friends. Later on that evening I'll gain the nickname Kim Novak and it'll stay with me for years.

The eyes and face turn red and and the spiral appears as the eyes fade away.... a few minutes later the spiral is fading and the eyes reappear. Haunting eyes.

Suddenly my stomach tightens. I know he's there. If I turn around quickly he'll get startled and attack me. If ignore him he may come at me from behind and I'll be in even more shit.

I can now hear him breathing. Suddenly my mind is a mess because I've now decided it's not him... it's someone else! It's some crazed murderer here to attack me. Did I lock the outside doors? Obviously not! How could I have been so stupid, I always lock the doors, it's what I'm trained for... it's what I get paid for! Erm... no... I did lock the doors! I know I did!

Hang on... it ... doesn't ... have ... to ... be ... anyone ... else ... for ... me ... to ... get ... attacked!

I turn. Verrrrrrrrrry sllllllllowwwwwwwwly.

It's him.

His face has a look of pure rage.

My one hand goes to the alarm on my belt while the other is raised and ready in the position I'm trained for. Only one of these movements is successful. The alarm is not on my belt. As I move my hand around my waist looking for it I remember where it is. It's by the kettle. I took it off to read the alert that went off as I was making a coffee. The alert didn't concern me but I didn't put the alarm back on my belt as the kettle clicked off so I poured my coffee.

There is no way I can get from where I am to the kitchen without going past him.

I'm vaguely away of the dialogue from the film playing behind me and I realise I'm beginning to concentrate on it which is a big mistake as BJ will see this and take his opportunity. I refocus and stare at him hoping he'll realise who is the boss of the situation.

We both realise at the same time that the boss is not me.

He dives for me, I stand up and sweep away with my arm as trained and head for the kitchen.

As I grab the alarm he throws himself against the kitchen door. I'm not pressing the alarm just yet as there is no need right now.

My heart is pounding in my chest and as I look through the spy hole I see he's pacing the hallway. Something has obviously spooked him.

I open the door and step out boldly.

"BJ do you want a drink" I ask.
His hand goes up which is a sign that he doesn't.
"Do you want the television on?"

He walks into his apartment and towards lounge. That's it. He wants the tv on.

I follow him, he's still agitated, his face still shows rage. On goes the television. Two minutes later he gets up, turns it off and goes back to bed, shutting the door behind him.

I need some new jeans and a stiff drink and a cigarette. Why don't I smoke anymore?

As nervous as I am now about posting You Tube videos again I feel a little safe as this one is not an advert.

So found this and it made me giggle..



From that it lead to this.. which also made me giggle....



An that lead to this... by which point I was nearly weeing...



Here's hoping these don't get over analysed!

Well I've not been awake long. Am back on the night shift tonight. Last night was quiet but fun. Spent aaaagggggeeeessss chatting to Charlie and it was really could to catch-up.

The apartment I'm in is attached to the day centre... which has a Jacuzzi... and I'm VERY tempted to get in once the night super has done her rounds.

I said this to Kiki (staff not blogger - his name is Brian but I call him Kiki!) and he was disgusted!

"What's wrong with it?" I asked.
"Brian doesn't wipe his backside, James spits everywhere, Alan's drool and what about Cormac's brain juice?" he stated.
"Mate, there's a filter going constantly. Twenty-four hours a day. If the Jacuzzi was used until the centre closed then the last person gets out at 4pm. I wouldn't be getting in there until 3am at the earliest. So for eleven hours the filter has been going."
"Yeah but still!"
"Hey I'd rather get in there with them that you!"
"Why? What's wrong with me Rob?" he said jokingly
"Well I know they've showered in the morning and I know who showered them. I know when they saw the doctor and I know what they've got. I cannot say the same about you!"

I think I actually winked as I said it. I may have even done the pistol point. And made the noise. The shame!

Right. Time to eat. I need to keep my three-person wide hips fully fuelled.

I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed that there are only two negative answers! (And one of those could be wrong!)

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages you and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : - Yes

Made out with a member of the same sex? : - Yes

Danced in front of your mirror? : - Yes

Told a lie? : - Yes

Gotten in a car with people you just met?: - Yes

Been in a fist fight? : - Yes

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : - Yes

Been arrested? : - Yes

Left your house without telling your parents? : - Yes

Ditched school to do something more fun? : - Yes

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : - Yes

Seen someone die? : - Yes

Kissed a picture? : - Yes

Slept in until 3? : - Yes

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : - Yes

Played dress up? : - Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? : - Yes

Felt an earthquake? : - Yes

Touched a snake? : - Yes

Ran a red light? : - Yes

Had detention? : - Yes

Been in a car accident? : - Yes

Pole danced? : - Yes

Been lost? : - Yes

Sang karaoke? : - Yes

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : - Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : - Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : - Yes

Kissed in the rain? : - Yes

Sang in the shower? : - Yes

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : - No

Ever gone to school partially naked? : Yes

Sat on a roof top? : - Yes

Played chicken? : - Yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : - Yes

Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : - Yes

Broken a bone? : - Yes

Mooned/flashed someone? : - Yes

Forgotten someone's name? : - Yes

Slept naked? : - Yes

Blacked out from drinking? : - Yes

Played a prank on someone? : - Yes

Felt like killing someone? : - Yes

Made a parent cry? : - Yes

Cried over someone? : - Yes

Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : - Yes

Had/Have a dog? : - Yes

Been in a band? : - Yes

Drank 25 sodas in a day? : - No (although I think I could have!)

Shot a gun? : - Yes

I guess most of you have seen this advert.



Here's the translation for you... in case you were wondering what they are saying.

Can I have permission to go out to the toilet
And fox,
I like cake,
Cake,
And Sharon Ni Bheolain,
I am wearing a jumper,
There are clouds in the sky,
Give me the cake"
Cake,
Quiet, road, girl, milk.

So DFS will be singing with Waistlife, Eeeyoghann will be singing with Boycrone and Alexandrex will be singing with Bouncey Noes!

That should make for an interesting evening... won't it Louis you big queen!

Waistlife are boring the hell out of me. They need to go back to the good ole days with pop dancey stuff to make any gayboy proud. Boycrone are just shit and always have been! As for Bouncey, well she used to be good. Crazy in Love was a great track but most of her recent stuff has just been awful. Apart from single ladies. That was ace. Mainly because it spawned the vidya below.

My suggestions for the duets...

DFS should sing with Brother Beyond. All of them (apart from the lurvely Nathan) shall have bags over their head and no microphones and be in the car park... or the middle of the M25.

Eeeyoghann should sing with Donald Trump. Matching hair and size makes them the ideal couple.

Alexandrex should sing with Oasis. They both look like they should be good, they have the potential to be great but their personalities makes them shit! Very shit. She's good and she knows it... too well.

Bring back Austin! Austin to win!

Oh... the vidya... why would you?




Now... as I love the original vidya and song.. here it is...

So after 71 years of picking letters and numbers, adding sums and dealing with the sexual advances coming from dictionary corner Carol Vorderman has waved a farewell to Countdown.

I can remember coming home school, storming upstairs to get changed, and finally heading for the door when suddenly the old man shouted at us.

"Get back here!" he yelled!
"What?"
"There's a new channel starting and it's not often that happens. I doubt you'll see it again until you're my age so you can sit and watch this!"

So we sat.

And for half an hour we stared, in silence, at multi-coloured number 4 on the screen.

"Roger, should we all be watching this?" asked mother.
"Yes we should! Four channels! FOUR CHANNELS wife! It'll not happen again in our lifetime!"
"But I've heard this channel is going to be a bit rude!"
"Not before midnight, they wouldn't dare!"

And during this conversation the music had started and as the announcer spoke my father told us all to shut up.

So we sat and watched Carol and Richard take us through the first episode of Countdown.

It was so boring... but we were young... younger than Juzzzy... we wanted to go out an play!

As the years have gone on I've become a fan and now she's gone I'll miss her. I thought she'd do a Whitely and be there until her death!

God bless you Carol, and all who sail in her!

In a recent blog entry I did a review of my 2008. It was another meme shamelessly stolen from some other blogger, hopefully credited as such, and I filled it in with all the enthusiasm I could muster given that I'm currently on nights until Des comes back from his holibags!

One of the questions (and my answer) was this:

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not backing down.

The answer was connected with the allegations I made about a member of staff at work. I stuck to my guns, as they say. Well working tonight has made me think that I want to change my answer, and here is why.

As most of you know I work in a centre for people with challenging behaviour and learning difficulties. Basically it's a whole myriad of mental health issues all mixed in with physical difficulties. These people are all adults. The youngest in the department I work in is 22 and the oldest is 44. I think. I may have this wrong but lets not argue as it's close enough.

I work in a unit that looks after four lads. Four of the most violent lads. In fact most staff around the place won't come in and those that will want us to be their bodyguards.

We'll call the lads Tom, Dick, Harry and Jeff for the sake of not wanting to call them A, B, C and D. Tom, Dick and Harry all live in one unit but Jeff has his own as he's not very good around other people. Including staff. His unit is, quite literally, a one minute walk from our main unit, and all his care is given by our staff.

So, Tom, the eldest, doesn't talk. He grunts. He does have his own sign language which is very similar to normal sign language and we communicate with him in that way. He is rarely violent but sadly when he goes he really goes! He doesn't use his fists. He sometimes kicks but mostly he rips off cupboard doors and wallops you with them. Thankfully, due to our training and the other excellent staff, he is most kept calm but as mobility is not an issue with him when he hits out he can aim very very well.

Dick can talk. And does. Often. He sings as well. More often. It's very hard not to get attached to this chap as he's so kind and gentle. Say no to him and he'll beat you senseless but saying "soon" or "we'll see" usually calms him.

Harry, like Tom, does not talk. He grunts and points. That is as much as his communication skills allow but after working with him for a while you get to know what he wants from his mood. His mobility is fine but his hand and eye co-ordination is not very good. He is very violent. He is more violent than the other two, and quite often, but mostly it's towards himself. Banging his head on the wall, banging his teeth on door frames and so on. Occasionally he goes for staff but it's not personal, it's just at whoever is there at the time. He also has some very disgusting habits.

Jeff has his own place as he's not very good with other people. He is violent towards the staff on nearly a daily basis and the only reason the other service users don't get it from him is because we work very hard to keep him away from them. He cannot talk properly but can say some words and he knows what he wants. We use a set of pictures to get messages across and this works very well.

So now you know about the lads let me tell you a little something about me.

You'll notice one of the things I've talked about is how violent the lads are on occasion. Well there was a time when I too was violent and I often think I still could be if put in the right situation.

I was drinking with friends in a pub once, when I was 19, when an argument broke out between one of my friends and a stranger over drinks. I walked over to try and calm things down and offered to buy the guy a drink. Ray walked off, I bought the guy a pint and as I walked off I heard him call Ray a cunt. I asked him to repeat it and he decided to spit in my face instead. Something I fucking hate. So a fight broke out with my throwing the first punch.

I come across as a camp little gay bloke who'd run away rather than fight but I think most of that stems from knowing and seeing what I'm actually capable of and knowing I should walk away. I'm not tall but I'm broad and it's not all fat (okay most of it is) and I trained in Ju-Jitsu for 13 years. I'm not trying to say I'm some hard-nut, far from it, but I know I can look after myself.

I've digressed a little here.

The question is the meme was, as seen above, what has been my biggest achievement of 2008?

Well in this last year I've been attacked twice by Harry and five times by Jeff. The two times Harry has got me I've ended up in A&E and of the five times Jeff has got me I should have gone to A&E at least once but couldn't be bothered. I've had my finger nearly broken, my chest scratched, had five shirts torn and my head butted. I've been thrown against a wall repeated and my vision is still not right from the last attack.

So am I proud of getting beaten up? Is that my biggest achievement? No, not at all.

But not fighting back is.

Animal instinct brings on the fight or flight mechanism when faced with these situations and in the past I'd have fought back. I don't think I'd have been typically violent towards them but I'd certainly have done anything to stop being hurt. When Jeff had my shirt and was swinging me into the wall repeated I let him do it. I let him carry on and get it out of his system. I knew he wasn't aiming his frustration at me personally, as anyone there would have got it that day. When Harry head butted me I took myself out of the area. When he grabbed my finger and tried to break I used the training I'd had in work to get away from him but instantly went back to him to make sure he was okay as he'd thrown himself to the floor.

I hate taking praise as I rarely think I deserve it and I think there are people better than me that need the praise more than me but right now I'm praising myself. I'm very proud of who I've become and I'm proud of what I do for a living.

Yay me!